No Contact From the Other Family :(

I wrote a letter to the family that adopted Stephen and his brother, but we have yet to hear back from them and it has been over a month. I am so disappointed. I am not sure why this family will not allow us to at least correspond with them and exchange pictures. I pray every day for contact. I just don't understand.

The Constant Yearning To Know...

We have just found out that one of our boys, whom we called Stephen, and his baby brother have been adopted by another family and are home here in the US. I need to state up front that we are beyond happy that they are out of the orphanage, and quite frankly, out of Kazakhstan. With that said, we still struggle with the fact that we will not be the ones to parent them.

I recently caught up with a former student of mine whose father was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was his teacher in the 8th grade. I saw firsthand the devastation experienced by him and his family. I know that pain well, as I lost my brother two weeks before my thirteenth birthday when he was only sixteen. So, when this young man told me that although so many people have told him that it gets easier with time and yet it has actually become harder over time I completely understand and empathize with him. After my brother died, it got harder as the years past instead of easier. Why? Because I mourned what could have been and what I would never know. I feel the same way about the three sons we loved and lost.

I will always wonder about them. I will always yearn to know what they are doing and if they are well. It pains me that this family that adopted Stephen knows exactly who we are and yet they have not reached out to us. We are trying hard to find out who they are, but I believe they do not want to be found and want nothing to do with the adoption community and may even fear being in touch with us. I think it is cruel for them to know all we went through to adopt him and all we endured to have his biological mother's right revoked (hence, making him available for adoption) and yet shut us out. We do not want to interfere with their family's life...we just want to know how he and his baby brother are and be able to watch, from afar, as they grow and thrive in their new lives. I pray that this family will contact us and allow us this small privilege.

Pregnancy After Adoption Loss

While I certainly don't claim to be the only one to become pregnant after an adoption loss, or in our case adoption losses...I know it is quite rare. The "typical" chain of events is to move on to adoption after fertility treatments have failed and there may even be pregnancy losses that occurred before the decision to adopt. However, I rarely hear of pregnancy after adoption loss. Successful adoption after adoption loss, yes. Successful pregnancy after a successful adoption, yes. Successful pregnancy after adoption loss, no. I do have blogger friends who have gone on to successfully adopt after one or more failed adoptions and I wonder if it is the same or similar feelings? Please share if this is you.

Adoption loss is devastating and painful and does not end because you conceive. I think many people look at us and think "Well, you are pregnant now so everything ended up for the best." I can honestly say that being pregnant has not minimized the pain of losing our boys. We battle guilt - which seems strange, but it is there. The guilt for me is two-sided: There is guilt that you are going to have your baby and your "first" child or children, the ones you planned to adopt, still have no family. And there is the guilt you feel over how you "should" be feeling about your pregnancy. Of course you are happy to be pregnant! Your dream of becoming a mother and a father are finally coming true. However, you still have every right to grieve the child or children you lost. Your pregnancy does not cancel out the pain of your loss.

I wonder if women who have miscarried or endured a stillbirth experience these feelings when they go on to have a successful pregnancy or birth. Why do people assume that your new miracle somehow cancels out your loss? It just isn't so. And then you feel ungrateful if you share your feelings of loss or grief. You feel that you should just be so happy that you were blessed with the opportunity to have a child and "move on". I recently had a good friend say to me: "You should be so happy - this is what you wanted" (referring to becoming a mother). Of course I am happy! It does not mean I am unhappy or ungrateful or unaware of this great blessing unfolding in our lives if I am sad at times! If I am not enjoying morning sickness and throwing up - it does not mean I am not grateful that God has blessed us. It is as though because you have suffered to get to where you are people feel you have no right to complain. A mother-to-be who has not experienced loss or infertility is allowed to complain about her pregnancy or morning sickness, but if you have suffered loss or infertility that right is snatched from you. You have no right to complain, and if you do people think you are ungrateful.

Please share your "success after loss" feelings and stories. I am curious if this is something others have felt?

THANK YOU ALL!

We are amazed and feel so blessed by the outpouring of support! We can't thank you all enough. This enables us to move toward being "paper-ready" by getting our home study updated and to reapply for our I171h and get our fingerprints. This is truly an act of faith as we have no idea what the future holds. We feel incredibly blessed by all of your support!

Reaching Out for Help...

Joe and I were not ready to share this information until now and our hand is being forced somewhat by need. During our meeting with the Ambassador and Head of the Consular Dept. we were told that Stephen and his brother would be available for adoption in the near future. We found out today that they are free and clear for adoption immediately. While we would not have to redo our entire dossier, we would have to update our home study and reapply for the I171h. This is a HUGE leap of faith for us as we are not being promised anything - they cannot hold the boys for us and there are still MANY questions which they are seeking answers for us.

However, to even get the ball rolling costs money that we do not have. As I have shared before - we have lost over $75,000.00 due to the crimes of Orson Mozes. We do not even have available credit or we would use that. We are reaching out to the adoption and blog community for help. We do not know what will come, but we feel God is at work in our lives as well as Stephen and his brother's lives right now. We are taking a HUGE risk by allowing our hearts and minds to even consider this possibility. Our wounds are hardly healed and we may have our hearts torn apart again. But our love for Stephen is, and always, remains. He is our son. He will always have a place in our hearts...and it will be a true miracle and for God's glory if he is finally able to come home. Would you consider helping us and being a part of this journey of faith?

After Adoption Loss: Now What?

The loss of a child that you envisioned being your son or daughter forevermore takes time to heal. I assume some take the leap of faith to pursue another adoption while others may take a different route. Joe and I have turned back to our Reproductive Endocrinologist to exhaust the more "high-tech" treatment of IVF. How about you? What is or was your "next step" after adoption loss? How has your adoption loss made the next step more, or perhaps less, challenging?

I Am More Than My Infertility

Marina Lombardo, the co-author of I Am More Than My Infertility posted about my other blog Cribs, Crimes, and Corruption (click the title of this post to read it.) I just finished reading her book and it is a MUST read for anyone dealing with the challenges of infertility. You can purchase the book on Amazon or you can purchase it directly through their website at http://www.iammore.net/. Marina Lombardo writes a column called Emotionally Speaking for Conceive Magazine which she describes on her website:

My column in Conceive Magazine is a place to share your stories, ask your questions, and learn from one another’s experiences. Wherever you are on your journey, you have only to reach out to realize you have lots of company. As women, one of our greatest strengths lies in our willingness to share our stories, connect with others…and marvel at how the threads of our experiences bind and connect us all. Let “Emotionally Speaking“ be a place for you to reach out, and a reminder that doing so is an essential part of this truly transformational journey.

It is such a blessing that infertility is an issue that therapists like Marina are devoting their practice and expertise to. Perhaps adoption loss will soon be an area of practice in the field that will help guide adoptive parents through the stages of grief of this unique loss.