Pregnancy After Adoption Loss

While I certainly don't claim to be the only one to become pregnant after an adoption loss, or in our case adoption losses...I know it is quite rare. The "typical" chain of events is to move on to adoption after fertility treatments have failed and there may even be pregnancy losses that occurred before the decision to adopt. However, I rarely hear of pregnancy after adoption loss. Successful adoption after adoption loss, yes. Successful pregnancy after a successful adoption, yes. Successful pregnancy after adoption loss, no. I do have blogger friends who have gone on to successfully adopt after one or more failed adoptions and I wonder if it is the same or similar feelings? Please share if this is you.

Adoption loss is devastating and painful and does not end because you conceive. I think many people look at us and think "Well, you are pregnant now so everything ended up for the best." I can honestly say that being pregnant has not minimized the pain of losing our boys. We battle guilt - which seems strange, but it is there. The guilt for me is two-sided: There is guilt that you are going to have your baby and your "first" child or children, the ones you planned to adopt, still have no family. And there is the guilt you feel over how you "should" be feeling about your pregnancy. Of course you are happy to be pregnant! Your dream of becoming a mother and a father are finally coming true. However, you still have every right to grieve the child or children you lost. Your pregnancy does not cancel out the pain of your loss.

I wonder if women who have miscarried or endured a stillbirth experience these feelings when they go on to have a successful pregnancy or birth. Why do people assume that your new miracle somehow cancels out your loss? It just isn't so. And then you feel ungrateful if you share your feelings of loss or grief. You feel that you should just be so happy that you were blessed with the opportunity to have a child and "move on". I recently had a good friend say to me: "You should be so happy - this is what you wanted" (referring to becoming a mother). Of course I am happy! It does not mean I am unhappy or ungrateful or unaware of this great blessing unfolding in our lives if I am sad at times! If I am not enjoying morning sickness and throwing up - it does not mean I am not grateful that God has blessed us. It is as though because you have suffered to get to where you are people feel you have no right to complain. A mother-to-be who has not experienced loss or infertility is allowed to complain about her pregnancy or morning sickness, but if you have suffered loss or infertility that right is snatched from you. You have no right to complain, and if you do people think you are ungrateful.

Please share your "success after loss" feelings and stories. I am curious if this is something others have felt?