Mother’s Day: The Hardest Holiday of the Year

Mother’s Day is the most difficult holiday of the year for me as the focus is completely on mothers. The other holidays are hard too, but there are alternatives to focus on; For Christmas I focus on the birth of Christ and for Easter I focus on the resurrection. Mother’s Day, well – there is only one focus…mothers. I am painfully aware on that day of what I am not and do not have. It is hard not to be filled with bitterness and envy of what other women have that comes so seemingly easy to them. I have a distorted perception of every other woman in the world easily becoming a mother through birth or adoption. Other adoptions seem to go flawlessly, in my eyes, as ours was the epitome of what others pray doesn’t happen to them. I realize these are irrational thoughts and that others do not have an easy journey to motherhood and I am not alone. However, it certainly feels like the loneliest place on earth when it is you longing to be a mother…especially on Mother’s Day.

A friend of mine recently invited me to her daughter’s Communion. I feel like a real loser – I never even responded to the invitation! It is like I just can’t deal with it at all…so I avoid it altogether. I don’t want to have to make the phone call explaining why we can’t come. I don’t want to be pitied or seen as pathetic for not being able to socialize. Yet, I hope my friends understand and do not judge us for our inability to face the social situations which feel like torture for us. We are not trying to be selfish; we are attempting self-preservation. Only those who have walked in these shoes can understand how emotionally exhausting such social situations can be. You dread the questions:

“Have you tried…”
“Why don’t you just adopt from Africa?”
“Why didn’t you try to adopt from the US?”
“What are you going to do now?”

And then there are the standard comments and stories:

“I know a friend of a friend that got pregnant right after they adopted.”
“It is so sad that all these unfit women can get pregnant when they blink and yet people like you and Joe can’t.”
“Maybe it’s stress or _____________.”
“I read somewhere that ___________________.”

Now, needless to say everyone will advise you that these folks are just trying to be nice. Yes, that is why we grit our teeth and smile and nod graciously. All the while it is using up every ounce of our emotional and psychic energy to keep this front up. Imagine keeping that up for five to six hours and you will understand why these events are so difficult.

Then there are people who feel you just won’t be happy no matter what they say or do. Perhaps they are right. They don’t know if they should ask or say nothing. They fear if they don’t ask anything we will think they don’t care. I have found the best thing to say is “If there is anything I can do I am here” or “Please know that I am here to listen if you need to talk.” These comments mean the world to us.

I am curious if we are the exception to the rule on the issue of socializing. Has anyone else found that they prefer being alone and avoid social situations?