Pregnancy After Adoption Loss

While I certainly don't claim to be the only one to become pregnant after an adoption loss, or in our case adoption losses...I know it is quite rare. The "typical" chain of events is to move on to adoption after fertility treatments have failed and there may even be pregnancy losses that occurred before the decision to adopt. However, I rarely hear of pregnancy after adoption loss. Successful adoption after adoption loss, yes. Successful pregnancy after a successful adoption, yes. Successful pregnancy after adoption loss, no. I do have blogger friends who have gone on to successfully adopt after one or more failed adoptions and I wonder if it is the same or similar feelings? Please share if this is you.

Adoption loss is devastating and painful and does not end because you conceive. I think many people look at us and think "Well, you are pregnant now so everything ended up for the best." I can honestly say that being pregnant has not minimized the pain of losing our boys. We battle guilt - which seems strange, but it is there. The guilt for me is two-sided: There is guilt that you are going to have your baby and your "first" child or children, the ones you planned to adopt, still have no family. And there is the guilt you feel over how you "should" be feeling about your pregnancy. Of course you are happy to be pregnant! Your dream of becoming a mother and a father are finally coming true. However, you still have every right to grieve the child or children you lost. Your pregnancy does not cancel out the pain of your loss.

I wonder if women who have miscarried or endured a stillbirth experience these feelings when they go on to have a successful pregnancy or birth. Why do people assume that your new miracle somehow cancels out your loss? It just isn't so. And then you feel ungrateful if you share your feelings of loss or grief. You feel that you should just be so happy that you were blessed with the opportunity to have a child and "move on". I recently had a good friend say to me: "You should be so happy - this is what you wanted" (referring to becoming a mother). Of course I am happy! It does not mean I am unhappy or ungrateful or unaware of this great blessing unfolding in our lives if I am sad at times! If I am not enjoying morning sickness and throwing up - it does not mean I am not grateful that God has blessed us. It is as though because you have suffered to get to where you are people feel you have no right to complain. A mother-to-be who has not experienced loss or infertility is allowed to complain about her pregnancy or morning sickness, but if you have suffered loss or infertility that right is snatched from you. You have no right to complain, and if you do people think you are ungrateful.

Please share your "success after loss" feelings and stories. I am curious if this is something others have felt?

THANK YOU ALL!

We are amazed and feel so blessed by the outpouring of support! We can't thank you all enough. This enables us to move toward being "paper-ready" by getting our home study updated and to reapply for our I171h and get our fingerprints. This is truly an act of faith as we have no idea what the future holds. We feel incredibly blessed by all of your support!

Reaching Out for Help...

Joe and I were not ready to share this information until now and our hand is being forced somewhat by need. During our meeting with the Ambassador and Head of the Consular Dept. we were told that Stephen and his brother would be available for adoption in the near future. We found out today that they are free and clear for adoption immediately. While we would not have to redo our entire dossier, we would have to update our home study and reapply for the I171h. This is a HUGE leap of faith for us as we are not being promised anything - they cannot hold the boys for us and there are still MANY questions which they are seeking answers for us.

However, to even get the ball rolling costs money that we do not have. As I have shared before - we have lost over $75,000.00 due to the crimes of Orson Mozes. We do not even have available credit or we would use that. We are reaching out to the adoption and blog community for help. We do not know what will come, but we feel God is at work in our lives as well as Stephen and his brother's lives right now. We are taking a HUGE risk by allowing our hearts and minds to even consider this possibility. Our wounds are hardly healed and we may have our hearts torn apart again. But our love for Stephen is, and always, remains. He is our son. He will always have a place in our hearts...and it will be a true miracle and for God's glory if he is finally able to come home. Would you consider helping us and being a part of this journey of faith?

After Adoption Loss: Now What?

The loss of a child that you envisioned being your son or daughter forevermore takes time to heal. I assume some take the leap of faith to pursue another adoption while others may take a different route. Joe and I have turned back to our Reproductive Endocrinologist to exhaust the more "high-tech" treatment of IVF. How about you? What is or was your "next step" after adoption loss? How has your adoption loss made the next step more, or perhaps less, challenging?

I Am More Than My Infertility

Marina Lombardo, the co-author of I Am More Than My Infertility posted about my other blog Cribs, Crimes, and Corruption (click the title of this post to read it.) I just finished reading her book and it is a MUST read for anyone dealing with the challenges of infertility. You can purchase the book on Amazon or you can purchase it directly through their website at http://www.iammore.net/. Marina Lombardo writes a column called Emotionally Speaking for Conceive Magazine which she describes on her website:

My column in Conceive Magazine is a place to share your stories, ask your questions, and learn from one another’s experiences. Wherever you are on your journey, you have only to reach out to realize you have lots of company. As women, one of our greatest strengths lies in our willingness to share our stories, connect with others…and marvel at how the threads of our experiences bind and connect us all. Let “Emotionally Speaking“ be a place for you to reach out, and a reminder that doing so is an essential part of this truly transformational journey.

It is such a blessing that infertility is an issue that therapists like Marina are devoting their practice and expertise to. Perhaps adoption loss will soon be an area of practice in the field that will help guide adoptive parents through the stages of grief of this unique loss.

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A Tribute to Our Sons...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Christian Support for Couples Facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss

I stumbled upon this site while searching for a Bible study with an emphasis on adoption or infertility. It seems like it is just getting started, but will probably be a great resource! There is a six-week Bible Study based on Without Hope You are Hopeless! by Casey and Julie Ross. Here’s a synopsis of the theme for each study:

Study 1: Why us?
This study focuses on learning that you’re infertile and wondering, “What did we do to deserve this?’

Study 2: God “Owes” Us a Child
This study discusses how many couples who have led virtuous lives feel as if God owes them a child. It examines the Scripture from Genesis 1:28: God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.’

Study 3: You Need People
This study talks about how, during the journey through infertility, couples need the support of people who are sensitive to their unique needs.

Study 4: Let It Out
This study centers around expressing your emotions in healthy ways.

Study 5: Learn to Laugh “Infertility stinks! But if you don’t learn to laugh at it from time to time, it will defeat you.”
This study encourages you to learn to laugh together as a couple about your infertility, in ways that will strengthen your marriage and help you cope with infertility.

Study 6: Without Hope, You are Hopeless
This study encourages readers to trust God and to develop an intimate relationship with Him that focuses on God’s faithfulness. God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we desire, but that doesn’t mean we should give up trusting in Him.

If anyone is interested in doing this study with me, please let me know :)

What a Beautiful Post by Kristen...

This is a beautiful post by Kristen Laurence at her blog Small Treasures:

Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Not "Our" Baby

I read this beautiful post today along with many of you, which brought back memories for me of the time when we "lost" our first baby through a failed adoption. My experience is a bit different from Diane's, but certainly the same on many grounds. For me the trial was, in an instant, the most painful I had ever endured, yet one of the most beautiful at the same time. It was my first experience with true joy in suffering, and my first realization of the miracle of loving God so much that it pleases you to offer Him your greatest treasure, your child.

We had been trying to conceive for six years, which seems like an eternity to an infertile couple. After having gone through years of infertility testing, various Church-approved treatments and much prayer without success, we began to walk the path of adoption. It was a hope-filled road, every step taken with excitement, joy and anticipation. And then it happened. We were linked with a birth-mother.

She was a young girl who simply found herself in an unfortunate situation, but her openness to life gave her the courage to bring her baby into this beautiful world. And she chose us. To bring her baby into our home, to love him, educate him and raise him in every way we would see fit. Yes, he was a boy. She had four months left in her pregnancy at the time we were chosen, and in that time we grew to love him as any parent loves his child. We gave him the name "Gabriel", prepared for his arrival with much prayer and excitement, two baby showers, Grandmas knitting blankets for him, thinking about him every waking moment of every day, and in the last days before his birth, "nesting"- cleaning the house top to bottom, inside ovens and cabinets. Friends knew that I wanted Gabriel to have the nutrition of breast milk, and they gave until our freezer was full. They scheduled dinners to be brought to us for weeks after his birth. And then, he was born.

We got the phone call early on Sunday morning, packed our belongings, a take-home outfit, diapers, wipes, bottles, and everything we would need to bring our baby home safely. He was born on the other side of the state, so we drove almost three hours to the hospital. When we arrived we were cautioned by the social worker that the mother seemed emotional. So we proceeded with caution, but optimism and hope. When we arrived in the hospital room, Michelle placed baby Gabriel in my arms for the first time. Words cannot describe the love and joy I felt as I held this precious infant in my arms. It was profound, and something I had never experienced before. I waited six years for this beautiful boy, sometimes patiently, sometimes not. And at that first moment when I looked at him, his face only inches away from mine, I realized this present joy was worth every minute of longing.

A lot happened during that first visit in the hospital room, Gabriel's extended family meeting us for the first time, asking us questions which need not be divulged here, but suffice it to say we remained cautious. But in my mind I truly believed that we would bring our baby home the next morning. So we checked into a local hotel, and prayed without cease. Just after midnight, the phone rang. The case worker told us that Michelle had changed her mind. She decided to keep her baby. We both fell to our knees on the floor, holding each other, and wept. A powerful image I will never forget. I vaguely remember being up all night, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, rosary clutched in hand, "Hail Mary, full of grace.....Hail Mary, full of grace.....Remember, oh most gracious Virgin Mary......" and on and on.

I will never be able to describe what it was like to drive that long road home with an empty car seat. But in the next few weeks I would move with God's grace from sorrow to joy, realizing for the first time that my "Gabriel" wasn't really mine at all. He belonged to the Father, Who allowed me to love him just enough to hold him twice, but to remain his "spiritual" mother for the rest of my life. I still pray for Gabriel, and his mother, though not as often as I should.

That sad loss four years ago is now but a faint memory - the pain is gone, but the spiritual joy and goodness gained remain. It taught me some of the most valuable truths in life: That the most profound joy one will experience in this life is indeed accompanied by great suffering. That these little ones of ours are entrusted to us, but they are in fact God's babies, whether we are allowed to hold them for five minutes, for eighteen years, or not at all. I learned the courage and compassion of my husband, and the strength of our marriage. The love of family, friends and many, many strangers who took up this cross with us. I don't ever take my girls for granted. I love every moment of mothering - the diaper changes, the temper tantrums, the nights I stay awake tending to a sick daughter, as well as the plethora of joyful moments. And I learned more fully than ever before, how quickly this world is passing and how the things we might cherish most in life will be gone sooner than we think. But the True Good for which we ultimately strive is Eternal, and will never fail us.

When an Adoption Falls Through and Fails

When an Adoption Falls Through and Fails

This is a good article!

Baby Showers

As most know ~ I am a teacher. While there are more and more men becoming teachers the field is still predominantly women. Do you see where I am going? There are nearly a dozen pregnant teachers in our building this year. I cope...I have no choice. I am happy for all of my pregnant colleagues. I am not so fragile that they can't talk about their pregnancies around me. However, baby showers are just too much for me to handle.

There was another baby shower thrown today and I did not attend. I sent my colleague an e-mail afterward and told her I want her to know it is not personal and that I just don't "do baby showers" right now. She responded that she totally understands. I always send a gift when the baby is born, but I still feel guilty for being a baby shower "no show". Is it wrong to skip baby showers? I would rather not go than run the risk of being emotionally overwhelmed and having to excuse myself. I don't think that would be fair to the mother-to-be who is being honored. So, bloggers ~ how do you handle showers?

Interesting Article I Read About a Jewish Ritual

Havdalah Ritual for a Failed Adoption

Miriam's Well
By Janet Ruth Falon

Anyone who has adopted a child knows that the process is complex and time consuming, filled with complicated paperwork, decision – making that forces the prospective adoptive parents to examine their core needs and beliefs, and waiting – a lot of waiting – that can last for months or sometimes, years. Especially if it follows years of unsuccessful infertility interventions, adoption is also an emotional "roller coaster," a mix of hope and frustration, longing and anxiety.

Happily, the majority of adoptions ultimately work out as planned, but sometimes, due to a wide variety of reasons, an adoption doesn't come to fruition. In many circles, a failed adoption is referred to as an adoption "miscarriage," an apt name in that a failed adoption is as devastating to hopeful adoptive parents as the loss of a biological child.

An adoption plan can come undone at any point, from before the baby is born, to several days – or even months – after the baby has been living with the adoptive parents. However and whenever this happens, it's a tremendous loss.
Just as many people don't fully appreciate the pain of miscarriage or stillbirth, neither do they understand the anguish of a failed adoption.

(This ritual is dedicated to Zoe Rayzel Falon-Mazer)

(NOTE: Each reading in this ritual is assigned to a "speaker." The "speaker" can be either or both of the adoptive parents, or friends, family members, spiritual leaders, or anyone the adoptive parents chose to include.)

Light two separate candles and hold them together, in one hand.

Speaker:
The Havdalah ceremony, used as a transition from the Sabbath to the rest of the week, is a ceremony of separation: A separation of holy from secular, of light from darkness, and of the day of rest from the days of creation. When we emerge from a Havadah ceremony we are refreshed and restored, the day of rest having nourished us so we can take on the demands of the workaday world. It is a Havdalah, a separation, that is expected and anticipated, one that has a regular place in our weekly cycle of life.

Speaker:
But today is different. Today we are feeling the pain of a separation that we never wanted and didn't expect. The child we thought was ours will never become a part of our family; we have to let him/her go. Let us dig deep into our hearts, beyond the anger and disappointment and anguish, and wish this child love, and a good life, even as we own the pain of not becoming his/her parents as we had expected and so fervently wanted.

Speaker:
Even as we acknowledge the grief that we feel so acutely right now, let us pray for the power to move on and to heal. Let us pray that we will soon be in the position to assess our situation, and for the strength to make good decisions. Let us pray that we don't succumb to bitterness and hopelessness; let us pray for the sweetness of love, which never fails.

Blessed is the Lord our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the Fruit of the Vine and of all sweet things.
(Circulate the wine.)

Speaker:
Tradition holds that each person receives an extra soul during the Sabbath, and that we pass around a spice box at the end of Sabbath so that the scent of the spices revives us, and strengthens us to go on without that extra soul. We, too, today, are aware of our loss - but this is the loss of a presence that we expected would be with us every day of the week. We lost an extra soul that had come into our family, a child who would bring tears and joy and magic to our lives. We, too, need replenishment right now. We, too, need to be reminded that there are many sources of rejuvenation in our world. But because our loss is also bitter, we will also inhale the odor of a lemon, twinning it with the sweet spices.
Blessed is the Lord our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of all the Spices and of all things that revive and rejuvenate us.

(Circulate a lemon that has been studded with cloves, or some other sweet-and-bitter combination.)

Speaker:
Although each of these candles shines brightly on its own, their glow is even stronger when they burn together. But the child who we imagined would bring more light into our lives is not going to join our family. He/she will go on a separate life journey, one that we hope will sustain and strengthen his/her own unique light. We, too, will continue to shine our own light, but we will miss this special little flame that we imagined would join our own and help us, as a family, burn brighter.

(Separate the two candles, and hold one in each hand.)

Speaker:
Let us take the love that we have inside us – the love that we were so ready to give to this child who will never be ours – and give it to ourselves and each other, especially right now as we hurt so badly from the sharp pain of our loss. Let us remember that love is a well that is never depleted, and that it will always be there for us to draw from as we heal, and as we make decisions about the future of our family.

Blessed is the Lord our God, ruler of the Universe, who wants us each to heal, grow, and love.

(Both candles are extinguished in the wine.)

Join Our Book Group!

I just created a book discussion group centered around Adoption Education and Reform for anyone who is interested in adoption. I hope to have open and honest conversations from mulitple viewpoints and perspectives.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT :)

Like the New Look?

I am so happy with how this new blog design came out! Be sure to stop by at www.splitdecisionz.com if you are looking for a blog makeover. The owner and designer, Amy, is very talented and gives a TON of free information on how to customize your blog! She also offers some free templates!

Mother's Day is Devastating for Women Facing Infertility

Mother's Day is Devastating for Women Facing Infertility

Community Mourns Laura Cleaves

Mother’s Day: The Hardest Holiday of the Year

Mother’s Day is the most difficult holiday of the year for me as the focus is completely on mothers. The other holidays are hard too, but there are alternatives to focus on; For Christmas I focus on the birth of Christ and for Easter I focus on the resurrection. Mother’s Day, well – there is only one focus…mothers. I am painfully aware on that day of what I am not and do not have. It is hard not to be filled with bitterness and envy of what other women have that comes so seemingly easy to them. I have a distorted perception of every other woman in the world easily becoming a mother through birth or adoption. Other adoptions seem to go flawlessly, in my eyes, as ours was the epitome of what others pray doesn’t happen to them. I realize these are irrational thoughts and that others do not have an easy journey to motherhood and I am not alone. However, it certainly feels like the loneliest place on earth when it is you longing to be a mother…especially on Mother’s Day.

A friend of mine recently invited me to her daughter’s Communion. I feel like a real loser – I never even responded to the invitation! It is like I just can’t deal with it at all…so I avoid it altogether. I don’t want to have to make the phone call explaining why we can’t come. I don’t want to be pitied or seen as pathetic for not being able to socialize. Yet, I hope my friends understand and do not judge us for our inability to face the social situations which feel like torture for us. We are not trying to be selfish; we are attempting self-preservation. Only those who have walked in these shoes can understand how emotionally exhausting such social situations can be. You dread the questions:

“Have you tried…”
“Why don’t you just adopt from Africa?”
“Why didn’t you try to adopt from the US?”
“What are you going to do now?”

And then there are the standard comments and stories:

“I know a friend of a friend that got pregnant right after they adopted.”
“It is so sad that all these unfit women can get pregnant when they blink and yet people like you and Joe can’t.”
“Maybe it’s stress or _____________.”
“I read somewhere that ___________________.”

Now, needless to say everyone will advise you that these folks are just trying to be nice. Yes, that is why we grit our teeth and smile and nod graciously. All the while it is using up every ounce of our emotional and psychic energy to keep this front up. Imagine keeping that up for five to six hours and you will understand why these events are so difficult.

Then there are people who feel you just won’t be happy no matter what they say or do. Perhaps they are right. They don’t know if they should ask or say nothing. They fear if they don’t ask anything we will think they don’t care. I have found the best thing to say is “If there is anything I can do I am here” or “Please know that I am here to listen if you need to talk.” These comments mean the world to us.

I am curious if we are the exception to the rule on the issue of socializing. Has anyone else found that they prefer being alone and avoid social situations?

I Would Die for That (...me too)

Adoption Loss: A Unique Loss

There is very little written about the loss of an adopted child. This loss is quite unique; the child was not lost due to miscarriage, still birth, or other circumstances. The child lives on either with their birthmother or birthparents or with another adoptive family. As Wendy Williams and Pat Johnston described in their article Losing an Adoption: Practical Advice for Moving on after a Uniquely Painful Experience, this is “…an ongoing loss.”

My husband and I have lost three sons during the adoption process all at various stages. Our first son, Alexander, was a “referral” whom although we never met physically, we considered him to be our future son for nearly nine months. We had dozens of pictures of Alexander both from the adoption agency and other AP’s who were adopting from the same orphanage. Many people do not see this as a “significant loss” since you have never held this child in your arms or parented this child directly. I can only liken it to the platitudes given to a mother who has miscarried: “It must not have been meant to be” or “At least you never got attached to him/her.” A mother begins bonding with her child from the moment she discovers she is pregnant. Likewise, an adoptive mother begins bonding with her child as though “in-utero” when she is presented with a “referral”. The hopes and dreams of a mother are not determined by the method through which she becomes a mother. Whether she dreams of the day she physically gives birth to her child or the day her child is placed in her arms for the first time the anticipation is equivalent.

In my opinion, there is one difference in the loss of an “unparented” child. The loss of a child you have not seen or parented is the loss of what “could have been” and of the hopes and dreams for the future you have envisioned for that child and for your family as a whole. The loss of a child you have parented, regardless of how long you parented that child, is the loss of what is in the here and now as well as what was to come. It is a compounded loss in that it takes away not only what you were blessed with having, but the future blessings as well.

I hope that I do not offend anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or the death of a child by sharing my own personal grief. I can not claim to understand the grief of losing a child to death, although I did lose my brother as a teenager and saw the devastation inflicted upon my parents and our family as a whole. For me, the difference between losing a loved one through death and the loss of an adopted child is that there is little opportunity for closure for the latter.